I was painfully rejected from the start.
My dad gave my mom an ultimatum: abortion or divorce.
Thankfully my mom chose to keep me, but unfortunately, my dad kept his word and divorced my mom. She was so heartbroken for a long time and this really laid a heavy burden on me, like my presence brought her pain instead of joy and this made me feel like I was a mistake. My dad would later confirm this to me at the age of 9 when he told me that he wished I was dead and that I ruined my family’s life and that we suffered and didn’t have things cause I was here.
At home I was being sexually abused and I thought that when my dad found out he would come to rescue me and take me away from all this, but I could not have been more mistaken. He never came after me. I began to feel so alone, not worth anything I was just in everyone’s way. When I finally got the courage to tell my mom about the abuse her response was, “Oh, he said he was sorry.” She did not know how to defend me and that was the point that the walls began to come up.
I decided no one was going to hurt me again; it was me against the world. Everything in this world comes at a price, even love. I found the greatest escape in drugs and alcohol. This gave me freedom from the torment in my mind and was a temporary fix. I was either in juvenile or the streets and I was looking for love in all the wrong places. I was so tired of being alone. I was sad because I watched all my friends with their families I wanted to go home but there were too many bad memories. A friend of mine said to call SOS, they had a girls home and maybe I could stay there. I was accepted to live in the girls’ home and introduced to God’s love and learned many things there. I gave my life to Him but I just could not receive it. I did not know at the time how to replace lies with the truth.
I would go on to meet a man and have my first child; I felt love for the first time in my life. It began a battle in me and I knew things had to change. I began to remember everything I had learned about God when I attended SOS and how he loves us and wants to prosper us to live a good life so I found a church and asked God to help me be the right kind of person and mother. Soon after I found a church home, my second child passed away. At this point I just thought that God hated me like everyone else. This led me down a path of emotional destruction.
Yet, something deep down in my heart, despite all the evidence and hurt going on in my life, told me that God did love me. I wanted to have a relationship with Him so desperately, just did not know how.
Yet, something deep down in my heart, despite all the evidence and hurt going on in my life, told me that God did love me. I wanted to have a relationship with Him so desperately, just did not know how. So I prayed and asked God to tell me what I needed to do and I would do it. I knew God wanted to give me a life more abundantly, I just needed to get to other side of truly believing that in my heart.
The Ultimate Journey
Last year I was invited to a bible study at SOS called “The Ultimate Journey,” it was extensive and personal. I felt that this was God showing me how to let go. I was good at holding things in, I just did not know how to release. I walked into the class one day and told the class, “I’m 33 years old, I have just had my fifth child and went through yet another heart break. The whole world can see my rejection. I am unlovable.” I just felt like my life was over and that was what I truly believed and I was so broken.
God was faithful to answer my prayer. God was showing me how to reach out to him. I went through so many years believing the lies and now I see and feel the truth. I just turned 34 a few weeks ago and I could not be more free. I am able to live that life that God promises us. Nothing about my circumstance has changed but I have a trusting relationship with my Heavenly Father. You see, your parents can not give you what they do not have, and sadly, you will not to be able to do it either. But I do not let my past hold me down anymore. My kids got to see firsthand what a life looks like with God in it and out of it. God is able to radiate through me and it shows. I am able to rest in him.
I am currently working on my prerequisites at Blinn College to obtain my associates degree in nursing. I love my life and love that I do not have to be in control anymore because God is capable of restoring my past and giving my family a future. I never thought I would be here but here I am a tangible example of what God can do if you trust him to guide you.